Never fallen in love (with a girl or a boy)
Imagine this: You are a nineteen-year-old college girl who has never had sex before. You’ve never even had a boyfriend. You think about dating your guy friend’s roommate simply because he’s into you, even though he isn’t your type. But what is my type? You ask yourself, wondering why you haven’t had a boyfriend before. What a silly thing to ask yourself, you know what your type is.
Your type is a white actor named Chris; he was in one of those movies where he wins the girl in the end. Your type is the charming dimpled boy band smiles; you might have a poster of him on the walls of your childhood bedroom. Your type is freckled nerdy kids; you had a crush on an Austin once. You have many types.
Straight lies I told myself
Imagine that for some reason, you always lie when someone asks who your favorite Avenger is. “Iron Man.” It’s not Iron Man, it’s Black Widow.
Imagine looking back at your preteen years and how you had to decide between team Edward or team Jacob. I’m team Edward because Bella deserves the best. After watching the Twilight Saga, you sought out a near dozen films with Kristen Stewart in it.
Imagine watching SpongeBob Squarepants the Movie several times just because you liked the sound of Scarlett Johansson’s voice.
Every girl has strong women they look up to. Scarlett Johansson happens to be one of those women. Her and Kristen Stewart. And Emma Watson. And your favorite teacher. And that new exchange student. And the actress in the show you’re watching right now. Her hair is wrapped up in a bun of dreadlocks. Her sharp eyes are surrounded in eyeliner and thick-rimmed glasses. Her smile softens her face and a gleam of sunlight catches the baby hairs around her forehead. Another woman onscreen kisses her cheek. Your heart flutters.
I hope I never fall in love with a girl
Imagine trying to go from class and back every day trying not to think about things that you are too afraid to think about. Things you won’t let yourself think about. Until you slip up and think about them anyway.
Imagine the feeling of nausea dropping into the pit of your stomach anytime you let your mind astray, having to stop dead in your tracks to keep yourself from derailing.
Imagine spending over a year in a state of torn identity. You ripped yourself into pieces and examined them over and over again, looking for clues with a magnifying glass that would only let you see blue. Imagine re-examining it all again with your naked eye and being too afraid to make connections on your own. Or worse, thinking you made up this panic, thinking you wanted to be special and you went too far to the find answers to questions you never even realized you had.
Imagine knowing that it’s too late now. You did go too far. You got too many answers. You threw away your identity. And for what? Understanding something about your childhood? About who you are now? Peace of mind? Truth?
Imagine wanting an explanation as to why life happened to people, but not to you.
Imagine thinking you could be religious now, and so you pray to God every day that you would never fall in love with a girl. This way, you would never have to tell anyone what you discovered.
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9 thoughts on “Internalized Homophobia: I hope I never Fall in Love with a Girl”
Wow, I love this. I relate to this so much. It helps me understand myself even more because I still question my sexuality. And I had the same year long identity crisis and phase of finding “my type.” Thank you for this!
I’ve never replied to a post before but this one really spoke to me. I’m 19 myself, (can’t believe I’m telling the internet this) I run a WordPress blog as well, (I think you mightve come across it) and I’ve always kinda known I was bisexual. There was never a click for me. Other than maybe my first real girl crush in high school (she was straight and in a relationship so it didn’t work out obviously). But growing up in a Christian Baptist household, I found myself in spiraling depression knowing my parents would not accept me. (They would go on what were essentially hate talks about gays and lesbians and the gay community) My parents divorced when I was 17. My mom is now in a relationship with someone else who altho hasnt been in our family very long I call him my step dad. And this year I actually came out to them. (Mom and My step dad, pretty sure my real dad doesnt know) and it happened unexpectedly. They were making jokes that my sister would grow up to be lesbian if she kept wearing sporty outfits and whatnot (I know classy, right?) And I just said, “Well, I’m bi, so who cares?” And my mom didn’t say anything and my stepdad laughed and said something alot the lines of “Wait are you serious?” And I just started crying. And he was like well it’s okay, I mean it’s cool, like whoever you wanna like. My mom did not say much, but I think shes slowly accepted it as I do gush about a certain girl in my life here lately quite often. I’ve never shared that with anyone but the comment section of wordpress seems like a good place to put it.
I’m glad you shared this ❤️ Sharing your identity with someone is such a hard thing to do, especially if those people in your past haven’t given you a very good reason to trust them with it. Coming out is hard, and I’m really happy that your stepdad seemed to take it pretty well and that your mom is on that acceptance road. I hope things continue to get better. I’m proud of you ❤️
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Thank you 💖
I love this so much
I love this. Thank you for sharing this… it’s definitely something a lot of people go through.
I really felt this one. It was beautiful, it was honest, it was poignant, and at the same time, also heartbreaking. I think that’s because I strongly identified with so many of the thoughts you went through while searching for your identity and the struggle and pain that comes with that, thoughts I still have sometimes. Knowing you are now more at peace with who you are, though, makes me so happy and glad! Girl, you made me tear up with this post!
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Thank you for such kind words Liz! Honestly it’s that experience that I think connects so much of the queer community. As much as I’ve passed this part of my life, that fear and pain is something that I can’t forget. All we can do is move forward when we’re ready.
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Love seeing the progression of your thinking and how it evolved over time. 🙂