I didn’t realize I was queer until I moved out and started college. I joke about how college changed my life because it made me gay, but I definitely had plenty of signs in the past that my heteronormative and internally-homophobic self denied, as if I got extra Heterosexual Points every time I ignored it. So here lies my ignorance, my denial, my heteronormativity, and my obliviousness.
My Gay Signs
- That extremely intense obsession with Scarlett Johansson, and lying to everyone when I said I liked Iron Man the most out of all the Marvel characters.
- Talking myself into how I should date boys in high school. Actual internal dialogue including but not limited to, “I think if he didn’t wear those clothes and like…changed his hair?” “I don’t even think he likes sports that much so I could probably date him.” And the classic, “I mean, at least he’s clean.”
- Loving Bella more than Edward or Jacob.
- Literally seeking out and watching Kristen Stewart’s entire filmography.
- Never feeling interested in talking about crushes with my sister.
- Feeling very interested in being friends with a particular girl at school.
- Staring at this particular girl.
- Sweating when I was in the near vicinity of this particular girl.
- Almost dying when I shared a pack of Skittles with that particular girl.
- Sitting behind the same student on the bus every single day for two years.
- Watching We Bought a Zoo an uncountable number of times because of Scarlett Johansson.
- Watching Pretty Little Liars even though the show was garbage.
- Daydreaming about Emma Watson.
- Wondering why I never daydreamed about boys.
- Having the thought, “I wonder why I only obsess over women?”
- And the follow-up thought, “Does that make me gay?”
- And the conclusion, “LOL, what?”
- Realizing that Scarlett Johansson had a voice acting role in Spongebob Squarepants The Movie, and watching it dozens of times because her voice was pretty.
- Listening to my friend defend same-sex marriage against her mom.
- Thinking, “Well, if I turn out to be a lesbian, I know she will still like me.”
- Letting Orphan Black take over my entire life.
- Finding yet another “role model” in Tatiana Maslany.
- Spiraling into gay fandom culture.
- Reading literal femslash fanfiction.
- Thinking femslash fanfiction was really hot.
Thankfully, after enjoying my third femslash fanfiction, it finally leaked into consciousness. But up until this point, this entire list never came with a serious thought about being queer. Even thoughts that directly question my sexuality were never actual questions. I was straight, obviously.