Welcome to J&J Chats! A series of advice and discourse discussions from J (Jess) & J (Jas, aka, my girlfriend). Topics sent anonymously via curious cat. Current topic: Telling an old crush that you used to have a crush on them.
[Jas] You’re not obligated to tell them, at all.
[Jess] In fact, I would probably say don’t tell them.
[Jas] If they ask or if it happens to come up, then yeah you don’t have to lie about it. But you’re not going to benefit if you tell them. They’re probably going to be upset you’re telling this now.
[Jess] Yeah, I think all it’s going to do is cause problems honestly. If this person wasn’t in a relationship, then you could tell them if you wanted to, but even then it’s not an obligation.
[Jas] And if you’re over it, then you’re over it. It’s in the past. It could be something you laugh over in the future.
[Jess] Actually the fact the request says, “I’ve wanted to tell them that I used to have a crush on them,” maybe this is wrong but I feel like, if you’ve been wanting to tell them, then this crush is not in the past and you still have those feelings.
[Jas] Yeah, maybe you don’t realize you do, but…
[Jess] The fact you even sent this request makes me think you still have feelings, otherwise, why would it matter?
[Jas] It sounds like you still have feelings for them, but in your head, you realize it’s going to cause problems, and you’re happy for their relationship and you don’t want to mess that up, but you still like them.
[Jess] Oooh yeah, maybe that’s the whole situation there. Which is a good thing. I mean it’s not a good thing you’re lying to yourself about the feelings, but if you recognize like, “Oh, this person is in a relationship, I need to get over this.” Even if you still do have feelings, I still think you should not tell this person.
[Jas] I’m sure you want the best for them, and if they are in a relationship, and you still like them and you tell them that, it could kind of ruin things for their relationship.
[Jess] Yeah honestly, it sucks, but it’s a situation people are in a lot. It’s kind of unfair for you to bring in these feelings when the other person has already moved on or not been aware of them at all. Your crush might not have had any idea and you kind of missed your chance. Like, Jas, if somebody had a crush on you—wait actually this happens a lot. So, people will have a crush on you and then they decide to tell you. I’m sorry but that’s just unfair. Not even in the sense that you would do anything about it, Jas, but it’s just not something you do.
[Jas] I think in that way, it’s kind of disrespectful. You know that person is in a relationship and telling them kind of automatically shows to them that if they break up, you’re hoping they come to you. It might not be what you’re trying to do, but that’s how it comes across.
[Jess] Yeah, that you’re hoping lowkey you will get something out of it.
[Jas] It’s not bad if these thoughts are in your head like, “Oh, I wish I was with them,” because those thought are normal, but you don’t need to be vocal about or do anything about it. It’s a normal reaction to feel upset about liking someone who likes someone else. But acting upon it is a different.
[Jess] Yes, that’s true. Having the thoughts is one thing, acting upon them is another.
Summary: If you are truly over it, you should have no trouble not telling them. If you aren’t over it, it’s probably best to not tell them.
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If you are seeking advice, send an anonymous request to my curious cat!