Today is National Girlfriends Day! I know I’ve shared a lot of my girlfriend, Jas, with you all already in my How I Met My Girlfriend series, but I’m sharing some more today! Like the sappy lesbian I am, I’ve saved a lot of the messages and letters we exchanged at the beginning of our relationship. So, here’s to some cringe and embarrassment!
September 9, 2014
This is something I wrote in my journal after watching my girlfriend in a tinychat live video. Jas could not see me, as I was only in the chat, and she was displaying live webcam.
I love the way you say my name, with the long “e” sound shifted almost into a long “a” with the accent that paints your words. “Look! Look, it’s Jesse, that’s Jesse.” You point at the screen, like a child at the zoo, smiling at nothing more than a screen name. You’re the biggest dork I know. And I want to laugh at you, even though you can’t hear me.
I’m too busy smiling at your excitement to type in a greeting, and you think I don’t know how to use the website, so you tell me how to enter a message. I know how, but I’ve never heard you laugh before; it’s all I can focus on.
You and your friend recite the word “potato” immediately after I signal my ability to work the chat, and I smile at how cute yet utterly ridiculous you sound. Puh-TAY-oh.
Suddenly, you’re blinded by a thought, and your arm swings out to catch your friend’s attention with a smile breaking across your face as you ask her, “Do you know what they call tights? They call them—“ at this point your voice turns into a choke broken off by a giggling fit. JAS CALM DOWN, I edge on, knowing exactly what you’re trying to say, expecting it to make you laugh more, feeling rewarded when the sound drowns out my roommates in the kitchen.
Finally you say it and collapse in a fit of laughter and I swallow the sound for safe keeping because I always want to remember you this way even when you’re sad. Eventually you recover enough to choke out “God, Jesse, you’re probably on your way outta here like ‘what freaks’” before breaking into more laughs. I’M LAUGHING AT YOU. THAT’S WHAT I’M DOING. You read my note, and only laugh more, and I love being the reason for your smile.
“It took me forever to pronounce that URL,” you tell your friend, who then begins to read it over your explanation of how you thought it might sound. IT’S A PUN. “—yeah, it’s a pun, Fran” you tell her mid-sentence and suddenly it clicks with her.
“Koala-tee…OH MY GOD.” She falls over in laughter and you laugh with her, telling me my cleverness “has killed Fran.” She laughs for a long time, but I’m looking at you, the way your hair falls over both of your shoulders, covering parts of your face, “because I look like a chipmunk. I always wear my hair down,” you once told me. I can’t help but notice your glasses either, even though you don’t like them, you could be on an advertisement. Sadly, I remember my promise to Rachel, about getting dinner in ten minutes, fifteen minutes ago. Sorry friends, but I must go. Your smile cuts to a pout. And I can’t decide which is cuter.
December 6, 2014
My journal entry after Jas Facetimed me from college for the first time.
You wake up and reply to Jasmin’s text, knowing she’s at college and dreading it. It’s her long day today.
A Facetime call from her comes in when you open your Macbook, and you sort of think it’s a mistake that she’s calling you because you neither of you have made an impromptu call to the other before. But you answer anyway.
She smiles at you, and you smile back, touching your hair and declaring you just woke up. Your voice is rough and clearly morning fresh. She tells you you don’t look like you just got up. You tell her she’s lying with a smile.
Her friends take turns with one earbud to hear your accent, but you don’t really know what to say because they’re just telling you to talk and you wish they were asking questions. And it’s like Jasmin new that you needed it, because that’s what she does. She asks questions she already knows the answers to, but it gets you to talk without whining that you don’t know what to say. And her friends say you sound adorable, and Jasmin tells them that she cries when she listens to your voice. Nerd.
She’s a whiney student and complains about how tired she is, but it’s not annoying; it’s cute. She tells her friends how she’s been falling asleep in the early evening and wake up at 4 in the morning. And one of her friends asks if that’s when you fall asleep and wake up. You love that she asks that, because maybe Jasmin talks about you a lot, and that’s why one of her friends assumed she fucked up her sleep pattern to match yours, even though her newly weird pattern is actually like opposite of yours now and it makes you miss her so much.
You felt like you were there with her in her class today. Almost.
December 16, 2014.
A journal entry that I did not send to Jas
You sometimes talk about people falling in love too fast and too deep and never having it come back for you. I feel the same way. I think I could really love you if the universe ever gave us the opportunity. But I can’t tell you that. It scares me because what if that’s the last thing you want to hear. What if it strains what we already have. I can’t risk it because I need you more than you think.
Or what if you feel the same way and all this time you’ve been trying to tell me. Because then I’ll go to sleep every night thinking about what it might feel like to hold you, and to snuggle up to you, and to kiss you, and to just be able to hug you when you need someone, when I know it’s not something I can have.
I miss you. I wish I could touch you. I love you, even if I don’t know how. That’s what makes me sad, because I don’t have the chance to give you everything. And I can’t tell you these things because I’m afraid of losing you.
December 29, 2014
A message Jas sent to me.
I go to bed happy when we skype because you always say something to make me smile even it’s talking about nothing for 10 hours (we need to beat that one day by the way). I love waking up to your messages, honestly it’s been so long since I’ve woke up and had something to smile about and even if it’s not like a cute submit, even just a random message from you moaning about not being able to eat the biscuits or cakes your mum made it still makes me smile.
January 2, 2015
A message Jas sent to me.
If I had the chance to meet you right now I’d take it, I’d pack my bags and go without any hesitation. I would run up to you at the airport and give you the longest most biggest hug ever and then we would go to yours and I’d ask to borrow a blanket and pretend I’m cold then pull you in for snuggles all day and all night (yes I expect you to hold in a toilet so we have snuggle time okay maybe you can bring a bucket??) but the ache gets so strong sometimes it’s like you’re so close yet so far and it’s frustrating and I just want to beat up the bank manager and steal money to come and find you.
January 3, 2015
A message Jas sent to me.
You’re so beautiful, not just beautiful, but magnificently beautiful. The way you smile and it not only lights up your face but your eyes too. It’s like your smile is infectious and the rest of your body can’t ignore it. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you, the way anyone sees you. That beauty that isn’t just skin deep but beyond that, beyond the stars. You’re so kind, sweet and genuine and unbelievably nerdy which is totally adorable in every way. I love the way you talk about the stars, and the universe and all those other nerdy things that you talk about for hours. It’s like the whole world stops to hear you talk about it just for one small minute and it’s beautiful, it really is. Your eyes.. wow I can honestly say I’ve never seen eyes so beautiful and so mesmerizing. The blue isn’t just deep blue, it’s like the sky full of mystery and beauty only which some can see. The way they glisten when you’re excited and happy or when you’re all sleepy and tired. It’s like even though you’re feeling so much emotion they only want to be more beautiful.
I hope one day you look in the mirror and see yourself how I see you, how everyone sees you. You’re beautiful and you don’t even know it.
We started dating on January 4, 2015. So, everything after this point is after we made it official.
January 10, 2015
I love you. I love skyping you and spending my day being able to hear your voice and see you smile and pout because both are unbelievably, irresistibly cute. I just love you so. much.
So much that it hurts. Last night, you’d laid down, snuggled in your duvet pulled all the way up to your nose and you’d closed your eyes, and you were just so beautiful. In that moment there was nothing more I could’ve wanted than to be able to touch you. To be able to feel your warmth under my fingertips when I rub your back as you fall asleep, and to feel the creases of your skin against mine when I hold your hand and stroke my thumb along yours, and to feel the texture of your hair through the spaces in my fingers as I brush your hairs away from you
January 12, 2015
I can’t help but think about you when I see the moon, or when I’m just looking at the night sky, because it’s the one thing we get to share. Like, when I look at the stars and know how far away they are, and know that the closest galaxy to us is two and half million light years away, you don’t feel so far away from me anymore. Our world is so small compared to the rest, and by the universe’s standards we’re so close.
But I don’t think I could ever be close enough to you. Even when I finally get to be right beside you, to hold you, to cuddle you, to hug you so tight I can’t breathe, I’ll always want to feel closer to you and I’m never going to want to let you go.
I honestly feel like when I get to meet you, I’m never going to want to stop touching you, just to know you’re there. I’m just always going to want to feel you next to me.
January 12, 2015
A Jas letter sent to me.
Eventually we would both be asleep as our minds wonder and dream but mine would stay blank because at this point I am with my dream, I am with the girl of my dreams holding her and watching her sleep and hearing her slow breaths as she falls deeper and deeper asleep. I would have nothing to dream about, not if you were here because you are my dream, you are and always will be my dream.
It’s scary to think how someone I met online makes me feel this way and that I still fall for you every single day and I think to myself how would it be if we met because I honestly think my heart would explode just seeing you there and being able to do all the things I want to do with you. I just wish I could tell the whole world about you and every single thing about you I love, and let them know how beautiful and amazing you are and that you’re mine. I just cannot fathom how no one has swept you off your feet yet and fell deeply in love with you. I live thousands of miles away from you and I’ve fallen more in love with you than I have with anyone here, or anyone in general. It’s just so unbelievably shocking, you’re perfect look at you! [Boops you on the nose]
January 13, 2015
After I received the first letter Jas sent to me.
You know how a song gets in your head? It just keeps replaying and replaying and somehow you can hear every instrument and all the lyrics even though the song isn’t actually playing?
That’s how your letter is to me right now. I can see your loopy tall letters in their perfectly horizontal lines, etched in that blue ink sliding across the surface of everything I look at. And the smell of your perfume won’t leave my head; it’s like I’m breathing it in with every inhale, even from down the hall when I know there is no possible way I can actually be smelling it. But I can. You smell amazing and I hope the scent never leaves my head because it makes me feel close to you.
You kept saying how this letter was ‘only a reply to yours. It’s nothing special’ but it is probably one of the most special things I own at the moment. And god this probably sounds so gay and vaguely creepy but it’s the only thing I have that you’ve touched. You’ve physically had it in your possession, it was with you over there, across the ocean, in your house, in your hands. I almost want to carry it around with me so I can feel like another piece of you is always there.
January 15, 2015
A message I wrote to Jas.
Okay so you have this magical quality about you where I cannot think about anything other than you. It’s like I hear a song and I think of you. I read a quote and I think of you. I sniff your ghost perfume that follows me everywhere and I think of you. I look at a fucking crack in the sidewalk and I think of you???? My brain is completely incapable of focusing on something other than you for more than one nanosecond at a time. I could quite literally, and fully enjoy every moment of doing so actually, compile an endless list of quotes, and burn dozens of cds, and color loads of pictures, and make several collages, and write a fucking book in your name and how you make me feel.
January 17, 2015
Excerpt of a letter I sent to Jas.
But then I look at you. And I’m sure about you. I know that I want you. And you make everything stand still for a moment, the ‘what if’s’ aren’t scary dead ends but possibilities for something new, the pressure of it all isn’t suffocating anymore because you help me breathe. I’m not just sure about you. You make me more sure about everything else.
February 7, 2015
A poem I wrote for Jas.
To My Owl.
Of all fragile fears I find a safe place
In careful crinkled eyes that charge a chill.
And in the dancing dimples on your face,
While lost in spacious swimming, I stay still.
Love-laced letters speak your lingering scent
To humming heart hammers and happy sighs.
And taking time for you is time well spent,
To reach the restless wonders in your eyes.
Dusk turns dawn with your dear words “I love you,”
There’s no pause to purr that I love you too.
January 4, 2016
Message I sent to Jas on our first anniversary.
the first time you came into my life was like seeing the stars. black all around. matter unknown, the in-betweens, uncertainty. Fear. and you had shined. your light glittered through all the things i shy away from, and i had been completely content watching from that distance. because your light made it through all the black matter. knowing you existed in this vast universe, that was enough.
but then you looked my way and suddenly my world spun on its axis and maybe gravity wasn’t keeping my feet on the ground anymore. maybe it was your eyes and the way they crinkle up when you smiled at me. maybe it was the soft dimples of your skin, those satiny ripples so different from the moon craters i’ve memorized. i’ve thought for so long that she would be the only one who holds my heart.
but before time has the chance to pass you’re already proving me wrong. the first time i hear your voice i know the sound of fate’s favorite song. it is you and me and our destiny and the nebulas that we will one day build together, the celestial kingdoms i see in your eyes when you tell me you love me too. and you have it. you have my beating heart, my wakening soul, every atom of my body and the way the thought of you sends them in chaotic explosions of microscopic supernovas because i’m yours i’m yours i’m yours.
i’m yours, always.
August 18, 2016
Message I sent to Jas after I returned home after seeing her for the first time.
I almost always miss you more at night. Sometimes I think it’s because I look at the moon and how you might be looking at it and seeing it the same, and then I start thinking about how we’ll go stargazing when you’re here because it’s not something we could do with your town’s lights. But sometimes there is no moon; sometimes I don’t look at it. I still feel the same. Still feel the alone.
I think maybe I took our nights together for granted. Maybe I didn’t hold you tight enough. Maybe I didn’t kiss you long enough. Maybe I didn’t say “I love you” enough. But then I think maybe I’m wrong. Because no time I spent with you was left without a snapshot to my memory, framed and protected unlike any other moments in my life. I held you tight like you held me; I know the weight of your head resting on my chest and the tickle of your hair on my nose. I kissed you goodnight always before bed as if we were saying goodbye. I love you was never enough, but that never stopped me from telling you.
Nights hurt so much because the memories flood through me snapshot after snapshot, and the darkness reminds me that if I reach out with my left hand I’m not going to reach you. I can’t roll over and find my head on your pillow. My nose isn’t going to be brushing the back of your neck.
The aching makes me know what I’m fighting for. It reminds me that this time apart is worth the wait and the complications that come up. Nothing has ever felt as good as being with you.
September 8, 2016.
Poem I wrote Jas for her birthday.
The Tears and Smiles of Our Galaxy
My lungs inhale the air
that has not touched your lips
The back of my eyelids
remind me of your kiss.
The brickwork of your streets
a place I know, home.
A black duvet strewn over the bed
I hear the echoes of your moan.
Tear streaks in my empty sheets;
I collect the things I miss
Encompassed by your absence
that mocks every heart skip.
My wall full of our photographs
So I can look into your eyes.
Dimples, rainbows, flower petals,
You say chips; I say fries.
A blank photobook waits
for all the pictures of us
and our children one day too.
All these memories began with stardust.